Allie Bruce: Anna and the Pumped Up Kicks
Still
on the pot, Anna avoided thinking about Hudson Miles green eyes while untangling the iPod
headphones from her purse with her left hand. The broken pregnancy stick stared
at her from the trash like some kind of Egyptian sphinx she’d learned
about in high school. The white stick loomed in the distance as she
fumbled with her shirt and the cord. She stared. Not now, she thought. The “X” and the “+” sign started to turn into
a Swastika, and with her right hand Anna frantically pulled half a tree out of
the bathroom toilet paper roll to drown it. The truth was that she
knew she was pregnant. She had checked one week earlier in the Eden Garden
Retirement home, and another week before that in Happy Memories Home they were
all positive. Even now she still believed that the nearness of death in the nursing home might
have a ghostly affect on the pregnancy, and somehow it would illuminate a negative
space in her womb instead of a positive one. Her mom believed in those kinds of things. Sighing, she lifted her blue turquoise cotton camisole and attached the
headphones to the metallic green iPod shuffle fixated between her breasts in
her navy laced bra. They weren’t as big as some of the others that she shared a
stage with, but they got her mama's house and out of straight-laced Sampson City, Ohio.
“Pumped Up Kicks” played from the touch of her deep purple nails. Anna made her way
out of the bathroom and down the hall to the exit. As she stepped outside, she
realized she had been sweating. The positive existence in her body projected itself onto the streets around her: Life-size scarlet "plus signs" walked up and down the sidewalk in mini skirts, business suits, and white laced oversized sneakers. She tried to block it out. Closing her eyes Anna tried to bob her head to the music and mumbled the words to herself, like she used to when her sister locked her in their closet at home for hours at a time. She hummed and sang, “All the
other kids with the pumped up kicks.. mmm mm mmmm.” She didn’t know all the
words, just like she couldn’t remember all the clients she had slept with in
the last six months, except for Hudson, and they hadn’t even done it yet. She opened her eyes, and a man with a red cross shirt stared at her from the bus terminal.
Anna sure is interesting.
ReplyDeleteAs the first to comment, I get to say the obvious: where to next? Where is Anna going and why? The baby daddy is still in the backdrop. Might he appear soon?
Oh, and did we establish the year and Anna's age? I probably missed that somewhere.
So we're still not positive (no pun intended) why she's taking pregnancy tests in nursing home bathrooms, except perhaps for the sake of anonymity. When you say 'clients she had slept with in the last six months,' it makes her sound like a hooker. Is she a stripper AND a hooker? The next poster should clarify this. And we still don't know why Anna's looking for Lady Pussycat and whether she'll continue to look for her now that it's been confirmed multiple times that she's pregnant. Will she decide to have an abortion? Will she give birth and raise the child? Give it up for adoption? And who exactly is Hudson Miles? What's his deal?
ReplyDeleteI really like the fact that she's taken the test multiple times. Great detail.
ReplyDeleteI really thought that Hudson would be the father, but you tricked me.
Anna's character is getting crazy. She's very sexual (not the "i'm only stripping to put myself through school" stereotype). I feel like her twisted home life is moving in an interesting direction. I suppose for someone to test themselves multiple times, in multiple nursing homes, she'd have to be at least a little messed up.
Love the Red Cross guy and the plus sign following her down the street.
Nice! You layered so many possibilities through these two short paragraphs. I love that she has been checking the tests in the bathrooms because of the "negative" effect it may have. And then the line about the mom will undoubtedly lead us to need to answer questions about her, too. I think the next step is seeking out the clients, but maybe she gets distracted by Hudson? Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Eric...I think she is getting a little bit crazy, but I don't necessarily think it's in a good way. We really do have the opportunity to make this character deeper, despite the fact that it was kind of a funny setting and occupation for her to have. I hope that in the next few segments, we really get to see some depth to her.
ReplyDeleteI like the visualization of the plus signs everywhere, a sort of specter of the stress created by the pregnancy test. I'm a little curious as to why she was taking a test in the bathroom of the nursing home. I think it needs some sort of explanation.
ReplyDeleteI like that she was taking the pregnancy tests in the nursing home bathrooms - were all of these places part of her search for LP? I think you added a lot of interesting pieces to her character and her story that can be explored in later paragraphs (home life, Hudson Miles, her "clients," etc.).
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job describing the setting that we find Anna in at the beginning of the story, and that you give it details that invite the reader into the story. I am intrigued by the man that Anna sees at the end of this post. Is this Hudson Miles, or just a random man? Does she even recognize him at all? It might be good to add another person into the story so that we can include some dialogue, which might perhaps go a long way in giving Anna's character more depth. I agree with many of the previous comments in that I think that we have granted Anna quite a few "interesting" character traits - now let's ground them in a bit of character interaction. I think you did a wonderful job describing how Anna is seeing plus signs everywhere. Really awesome imagery!
ReplyDeleteI think you had some awesome images... Like the Egyptian spinx. And the Swastika. And all of it done with this lyrical sort of voice. You so poetic, Allie Bruce. Intentional or not.
ReplyDeleteI got the impression that she's choosing nursing homes in hopes of the pregnancy being false or loosing it or something. It could be in the search for LP?
She's in some sort of something with Hudson. The baby daddy is still a question.
What do you guys want? Do you want her to be a stripper? I thought she was enthralled by LP in Alyssa's post and there was all the jazz about learning moves, but that doesn't have to make her a stripper. Or a hooker. What do you guys want? I'm the next writer. I want to do what y'all want, but I'm not sure we're all on the same page on the big stuff (job, age, keep baby or not)... What are you're thoughts about where you WANT it to go. There's a lot of questions up there. If I disagree, I'm not afraid to not do what you say, but I am curious...
Allie: great job! Alas, I'm late in posting so I have to agree with a lot of previous posts and thus, provide little new "insight". With that said, though, I agree with those who've commented on your imagery and detail: wow! I just got to see the freaky side of Allie and I like it. :-D However, I also agree with things are taking a weird direction and I'm not understanding why. Of course, the scene needs to be set and lots of background info is always good--but how much? Personally, I need to see/read some explanation and connection between her job, homelife, and current position. I agree with Eric that her past in Ohio could provide a lot of scintillating and intriguing possibilities; although I also agree with Courtney and am unsure if the 'hooker' thing should work.
ReplyDeleteMichelle: you asked what 'we' want. I would like to see something about her twisted background, something to connect her with Lady Pussycat and what she's doing in NYC today. I think she sounds like a young twenty-something but that's up to you, if you choose to clarify that. Moreover, I think she should keep the baby--maybe this could be the hook that also connects her to the nursing home in a lasting, more meaningful way (due to the issue between life and death).
Thanks! I'm liking this!
I'm going to base my comments on where I think this could go from here. I think Anna has to be a stripper, prostitute, or burlesque dancer because of the "movements" in the first section and the "clients" in the 2nd section.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think we need to tone her down and give her depth. I imagined this would be a sort of quest for sexual discovery and empowerment, among other things. Can we go in that direction?
Her sexuality is very much in the forefront and it does seem to be a source of empowerment for her. For example, she's able to buy her mama's house and get out of Ohio (nice touch, Allie!). But I think we also need to show that her sexuality often takes away her agency. For example, she still works for men and still sleeps with them (for money?). Allie mentions this, but I'd like to see it further developed. Anyway, I really like what we've done so far. It's complicated and interesting! I can't wait to see where we take it.
Pumped up the Kicks is my current favorite song, loved your details! I love all the retirement homes - such a funny addition! You did a great job introducing new material and giving the story new options for where to go. Can't wait to see what happens next!
ReplyDelete